Closet perfectionist

Ugh, again, I need to have it out about my work habits, or lack thereof.

I decided to challenge myself and I applied to present a paper at a grad symposium at my school. The challenge isn't giving the paper, but rather that I chose to apply with a paper I had not written. I just thought it would force me to work harder than I might normally work and therefore get more done in less time.

So the symposium is Saturday, and though I've only broken down into tears once, I'm a total wreck. I am not prepared to talk intelligently about this text, and I will be nervous as I give it, as opposed to confident and smart. My nerves will get the better of me and when questions are asked, I will flush red and my ears will ring and I will have no idea what to say.

Fact is, I am a closet perfectionist. I want everyone to think I am brilliant, and if they don't then that means I have failed. Here's the kicker: I'm not brilliant. I may be smarter than the average bear, but the average bear will not be attending Saturday's symposium and therefore I will finally be exposed as the fake I am.

So there you go. The ruse is up! My attempt at being smart ends on Saturday. It's all over now! I hope to see you all at the nearby Starbucks where I will be happy to make your drinks to order.

Seriously this is the shit that goes through my head for a meaningless, 15 minute presentation at 9am on a Saturday in March. I know logically that I will do fine. I know that no one will decide to de-PhD me -- but this all goes through my head as I try to get a 9-page paper out of a few pages of notes and some writing in the margins of "Green Grass Running Water."

I'm sick. Will this all go away when they give me my degree?